“Caveman chic”

Rosie 1

Unisex, B+ grade

Appearance: Caveman chic. If someone had taught them eastern-European geometric stone mosaicking.

Smell: Some sort of subtle sandalwood aroma going on, doing its best to battle with a distinctly pissy stench.

Paper: Not exactly cushiony-soft but it had that rough quality that tells you it’s better than the one-ply tracing paper you buy for your own home.

Flush: Separate poos/wees flushes both did a sterling job of cleaning the bowl.

Washing: “Handful by Ashley and Co” – their soap sounded like it wanted to be aftershave. According to its website it “transformed an overlooked daily routine into something memorable and enjoyable”. I don’t know about that but hopefully it got all remnants of faeces off my hands.

Rosie 2
Best: A huge mirror above the sink allowed me to watch my own face during the process like some sort of meta-pooing, out-of-body ex(crement)perience.

Worst: Sadly John Key was not in the cafe maniacally pulling ponytails like some sort of deranged plate-spinner as I had pictured, nor was there any toilet-wall graffiti about his antics etched into the stone. Travesty.