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Ahhh the men’s loos. That so-called bastion of smelly masculinity all in one place. They never seem as clean as the women’s.  As one male Bog reviewer said of his office loos at a large company, by 10am every morning they’re “destroyed”.  Our female reviewers expressed surprise and turned up their noses at this revelation.

As it turns out, there are some very strict rules for using the men’s, so we enlisted the help of an overseas consultant to set you straight.

The typical configuration is three urinals or cubicles. Number one is nearest the door, three is the furthest away.

FYI: The following needs to be read like a cheeky chappy. Like this guy.

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No one in there: 

  • You go in 3, no question about it.

One person in there: 

  • If they’re in 3 (which they should be), you go 1
  • If they’re in 1 (renegades), you go in 3
  • If they’re in 2 – turn round and walk away, they’re clearly space invaders

Two people in there:

  • If they’re in 1 and 3, go to 2, you can trust these guys  – they’re solid
  • If they’re in 2 and 3, be wary, number 2 clearly isn’t playing ball
  • If they’re in 1 and 2, walk out. Neither of them got it right.

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Cubicle etiquette numbers are the same, but the rest of it requires a bit more thought.

This is based on working in an office so you get used to who is an abuser of the etiquette and avoid mutual visits with the following people:

  • The rustlers – people who process their extensive paperwork really loudly and unashamedly, like they’re sanding down an old chair. They should consider showering more in the morning.
  • The weatherman – the people who every day seem to hit the cubicles with a brutal storm, taking everyone with them. Starts with disturbingly loud claps of thunder, then a huge turdal wave. Probably followed by the aftershocks and then the ash cloud of stench will hit you and any other person unlucky to be in there.
  • The holiday makers – they walk in with the paper and whistling a happy tune – they’re settling in for the long haul. Avoid.
  • The scrubbers – you’re in a cubicle, someone else along the line is clearly in there for a number 2. You can hear the paperwork, they’re all done, then up they go out and leave without washing their hands. Do your research – ask your spies in the office who it was that just left. You need to avoid handshakes or picking a sandwich off the trolley after them.
  • The freaks – they take a cubicle, you can hear the tell tale signs of them sitting down, they have a no.1 and then… they leave! A sit down wee! I’ve worked with one person who did this. Don’t just avoid them in the cubicles, avoid them full stop. That’s just bizarre.

Anything we’ve missed? Drop us a line at bogstandardtoiletnews@gmail.com with your suggestions.

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