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“The red grape”

bellota 3

Men’s, B+ grade

Appearance: After fumbling round the wood panels for for the secret door opening, like a tipsy Harry Potter in an enchanted library, and quickly having to work out whether I was a “Juan” or a “Juanita”, I was in. It was like being inside a red grape.

Smell: Not a hint of wees or poos and just a delicate waft of sangria.

Paper: Kimberly-Clark’s individual piece-by-piece dispensing game was strong.

bellota 2

Flush: It was one of those enthusiastic ones where the water comes right up to the brim and you think you’re going to be washed away by a diluted-excrement wave. But at the last second, the toilet gives you the old “psych!” and it retreats. You bloody trickster!

Washing: When I get my own house, I’m installing a “Duravit” sink. The single lever which determined water flow and temperature was how I imagine the silkiest power steering on some sort of luxury vehicle. It was a dream. For that moment I was god of water, I was flipping Poseidon!

Best: The sink was alright, I guess.

Worst: The mad toilet anxiety from not knowing where the wall ends and the stall door begins.

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